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Breaking up messiness

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When you break up with somebody, the first question most people ask you is “Are you okay? How are you doing?” I haven’t known how to answer so I’ve just numbly replied “I’m fine, I’ll be fine.” Reality is- I know I’m not fine but I do know I will be fine.

Right now my heart is still broken. I’ve realized that my part in messing up this relationship was my approach altogether. I so badly wanted this to be “the one” that I put up with everything and anything. I would reach my breaking points but just glue myself together and keep going. Just as any sculpture that’s been broken & glued back together many times, I became very jagged in this relationship. My heart has been cut and scarred too many times and had hardened over time. I had accepted a lot of undeserved treatment as normal. Finally, I hit my final breaking point on June 30th, 2011, after precisely 2 years and 3 months. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. 

We are still in the process of moving out all his things. I’m lucky enough to have the most supportive family and friends in my life.  Part of me desperately wishes he would just move it all out already so I wouldn’t have to see it. Another part of me wants to work through it. That latter part of me just doesn’t want to let go of something that isn’t meant to work out. 

I want to be loved unconditionally and to love unconditionally. I know there isn’t anything that Chris could do to be that person. I know I need to just let that relationship go.  I have been contemplating finally having that final conversation of closure. Realistically I don’t think it will do much. Sad.

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Written by crimsoncoffee

July 12, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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