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Breaking up messiness

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When you break up with somebody, the first question most people ask you is “Are you okay? How are you doing?” I haven’t known how to answer so I’ve just numbly replied “I’m fine, I’ll be fine.” Reality is- I know I’m not fine but I do know I will be fine.

Right now my heart is still broken. I’ve realized that my part in messing up this relationship was my approach altogether. I so badly wanted this to be “the one” that I put up with everything and anything. I would reach my breaking points but just glue myself together and keep going. Just as any sculpture that’s been broken & glued back together many times, I became very jagged in this relationship. My heart has been cut and scarred too many times and had hardened over time. I had accepted a lot of undeserved treatment as normal. Finally, I hit my final breaking point on June 30th, 2011, after precisely 2 years and 3 months. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. 

We are still in the process of moving out all his things. I’m lucky enough to have the most supportive family and friends in my life.  Part of me desperately wishes he would just move it all out already so I wouldn’t have to see it. Another part of me wants to work through it. That latter part of me just doesn’t want to let go of something that isn’t meant to work out. 

I want to be loved unconditionally and to love unconditionally. I know there isn’t anything that Chris could do to be that person. I know I need to just let that relationship go.  I have been contemplating finally having that final conversation of closure. Realistically I don’t think it will do much. Sad.

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Written by crimsoncoffee

July 12, 2011 at 7:10 pm

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TRX Tuesday

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This morning I woke up at 6:30 to get ready for a 7:30 TRX class and oh boy, that was definitely a workout! Next time I will take pictures.. it is tough!

Anyhoo… today’s schedule is:

  • Work
  • Pick up gift wrap for my father’s birthday present (his birthday is tomorrow!)
  • Drop off a present for a friend
  • Manicure
  • Pick up a package
  • Dinner
  • Write my dads card
  • Laundry, Vacuum, Dishes
  • Elliptical 90 min

As you can see, it is quite a few errands to run!

Written by crimsoncoffee

July 12, 2011 at 2:54 pm

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Monday Moves

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After a weekend full of fitness (Boxing & Running Saturday, 90 min Spinning Sunday), I was pretty sore. Still, I made it to my Monday morning Powerplate class. It felt a lot better this morning than it has the last few times (I think I’m getting in shape!).  After work today, I’ve gotta run a few errands and grab a quick bite with a friend before jumping on the Elliptical for a 90 min session (planning to watch a movie during it- yay!).  Tomorrow morning is TRX (WoohoO!).. yay fitness!  During this time of sadness and trying to let an old relationship go, it’s good to escape with fitness as well as see & feel the effects.

While I’d love to be in bed, it’s good to be at work and know I’m being productive 🙂

Not-so-relevant but fun Summer fountain in Boston close to my office:

Written by crimsoncoffee

July 11, 2011 at 1:07 pm

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Health & happiness from the Inside Out

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I’ve closed a chapter on a 2 1/2 year relationship.  While I know it’s the right decision, it’s still a hard one. I’ve been a bit angry but now I’m just sad. I’m sad to lose this part of my life. It’s a process.

As part of my new chapter, I’ve decided to launch a ‘Get healthy inside & out’ campaign. It’s really a solo mission to put good things in my body, take care of it with exercise & rest, so that it is less burdened with toxins and unhealthy extra ‘stuff.’ For mental health, I am dedicating daily time to reflect on my feelings so I can be more self-aware and in the moment.

I’ve never really recognized the importance of the mind-body connection until now. My focus is more on health and a connection with myself; I believe in doing so, I will get back to my healthy weight- gradually, and healthily.

Today I started out with a lovely breakfast of coffee, toast and a little butter. In an hour, I’m headed to the gym for some cardio & my first boxing lesson!! I’m a little scared but also excited!

At the back of my thoughts, I’m still heartbroken. Today, while I’m in the suburbs, Chris is removing all his things from the apartment. It’s not just a few things. It’s a LOT. I know the place is going to feel very different. Moreover, he will officially become an “ex-boyfriend.” That’s hard. Ugh. I know I will get through this but it is sooo hard.

Written by crimsoncoffee

July 9, 2011 at 1:47 pm

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OMG PMS

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The amount I can eat when I’m PMS-ing is astounding. I will start with a healthy, super filling salad, in an attempt to quell the irrational pangs of hunger and craving.. only to still be left ‘starving’ for chocolate, bread, chips, ice cream.. it is completely ridiculous. 

I’m only a few days away from the monthly visitor and the PMS cravings are severe. I will eat & eat &eat, still left feeling hungry and I just have to stop myself. Last night, I had half a bag of pretzels and 2 large bags of popcorn, because that’s what I was craving.. and really, I didn’t have much else in the house.  (I guess, that’s why they encourage people trying to diet to keep the bad stuff out of the house!)

My emotional state over the break-up is making it harder, but then my post-indulgence discomfort makes me feel even worse.. it is a bad cycle. I’m trying to put a stop to it today. I started with a healthy bowl of cereal (mix of Kashi Golean and Allbran) with Almond milk and a cappuccino.  I’m working a half day today, leaving around noon. I’ll grab a wrap before my Powerplate class, after which my plan is to get a shellac mani and pedi.  Then, I gotta get a quick shower & pack a weekend before meeting a friend, and then head out to the burbs for the night.

 

Written by crimsoncoffee

July 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm

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Uncomfortable

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Before all the break-up drama, I had put my mind to taking off the extra weight. With my workout regimen and more moderate eating, I started to notice of my pants fitting more comfortably and my skirts zipping up without pinching my skin.

With everything that’s happened, my healthier habits were not kept up and the getting-health process came to a complete halt. I was comfort eating all over again and not exercising.  It’s almost been a week since it all broke out and the same pants that had just started to fit better are too tight and I feel like I’m busting at the seams. My belly is doing the muffin top move and it is plain uncomfortable

Emotional eating often gets the best of us, especially during love-related woes.  I am okay with my few days of over-indulging. I needed to grieve the loss and feel the sadness.  Now it’s time for me to pick myself up and get back on that health wagon.

Because of all the indulgences I’ve been too afraid to step on the scale. My clothes are sooo tight and I feel very bloated. It doesn’t help my monthly visitor is around the corner. My guess on my current weight (from how I feel in my clothes, etc) would be about 137 lbs. I gain weight very easily. It doesn’t even make any logical sense. I know I’m supposed to just confront my reality and step on the scale and move on from there, but I am not ready for that. I’m going to get back on the wagon of taking care of myself for about a week before I step back on that thing. 

Ugh.. this is just uncomfortable.

Written by crimsoncoffee

July 7, 2011 at 12:24 pm

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Sadly confident

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Last Friday, I broke it off with a man I dated for 2 1/2 years. Last night I learned he didn’t quite accept it, and was in denial. I had to repeat myself via a lengthy email.  Today he will come by the apartment to pick up his things (hopefully he’ll get it all in one visit) and I will have my place to myself for the first time ever.  He is a good guy and he was my best friend but things weren’t working out as romantic partners. I learned that we didn’t see eye to eye on many crucial issues (such as family and career plans), and I finally hit my breaking point with some respect issues that had been troubling the relationship for a long time.  I still love him very deeply but I’m not stupid- I’m not going to ignore the practical things.  Unfortunately, love isn’t always enough. It takes the right timing, willingness to mold one another, financial stability.. the whole shebang. No relationship is perfect but respect is the foundation for any good to come. 

My heart is broken because I know it’s not meant to be, but my gut tells me sadness is okay and the decision is right. I’m confident I’ll be alright, but gosh- right now is hard.  I just want to keep my head above water and get through this.

Written by crimsoncoffee

July 6, 2011 at 12:26 pm

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